Untitled 05/26/2017
We all have secrets, we all have that in our life that we're afraid everyone would know. So much we would like to hide it, we would like for it to disapear. If our secret was a person, we could've just killed him. If it was a tangible thing, we could've thrown it somewhere, however it comes back to us no matter how far we threw it miles away.
Mine was my depression. And not only that, it comes with suicide attempt.
Don't do that again, why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you talked to us? Why didn't you this and that? Uhm. I tried. I tried hard. You know how hard it was thinking of it? No you don't. Because all you think is that you're a friend when in need and when at THAT moment that I was about to take my life, you were never there. Up to know I don't know why I really did it, but I want it to end.
I wish I had the mind of Brillante Mendoza so I can show artistically how my depression really look likes. I wish I have the money, the power, the creativity to show it to you how I am with my depression. I only have my words.
Everytime my friends knew about it, I don't know how to make them feel the pain, the sadness, the
with all the smile, the laughter that I show, no one knew how painful it was. I keep on posting on Facebook hints of my depression and sadness and I'm happy that there were some people reaching out, but I would like to stop being the negative suction in their life. I too, don't like those kind of people.
I envy those people who got professional help, I envy those people who were able to do it, I envy those people who got pass their depression and suicidal tendencies, I envy those people who look back on where they are right now and say that they got pass it, I envy those people who REALLY got help and was REALLY HELPED.
I hope I'm able to help myself from this misery and I hope it was easy, and I hope it was THAT EASY, but it isn't.
I envy Sabrina Benaim and turned her depression into poetry, into words, into pictures and made them into a living word that would at least, try to explain what depression is.
I envy those people who really understand those who has depression and not just shove it away like it was an easy Math Problem that can be solved just by calculator or simple arithmetic that can be solved by a Math whiz.
Envy. Confusion. Despair. Sorrow. Sloth. There are lots of them, and it was only me. I wish they were just robbers in the night that robbed me of what I have, but instead, they're like virus that kills me slowly, like a stage 4 cancer.
Cancer. I wish I could've just taken all the cancer in the world in that way, all those who were left were happy to be with their loved ones. I wish I could've taken everything so that those who wants to survive, survives.
Survival. I wish those innocent people who were innocently killed were just left and I wish, or rather, we wish it was us who were killed.
I wish depression is as easy as Grade 1 spelling that everyone would be able to spell out, or like cooking adobo that almost everyone could do. I wish depression is just like baking that you just mix and bake and when you take out of the oven, is something sumptous, and erradicate hunger.
I wish everything was THAT easy, however it isn't.
It wasn't easy to cry with every movie that you watch, trying to get all the inspiration even if it wasn't about you. I wish for every movie I cried, for every inspiring words, phrases, short snorts would aleviate the pain, but it didn't.
I wish everyday was okay, but it wasn't. I wish the Secret or the Law of Attraction was easier this time. I wish it was easier when I'm drowning in this... thing...
I wish I could shout it out in a mountain and it would go away, I wish I could drown it onto the sea and it would disapear in the waters, I wish I can just blow it in the wind and it would evaporate, I wish it was just a bubble that would pop suddenly. I wish it was just words that you type in a computer that you can easily delete or backspace and it would disappear instantly.
But it isn't.
I wish it's like dirty clothes that you can just leave at home and wash once you're back, I wish it's like dirty plate that you can put in a dishwasher, clean and wash and everything will be clean, like brand new, and useful, but no, it isn't.
I'm staring in front of the monitor, typing everything, pouring out my emotions to the keyboards into words, and I wish it was easy as it it is, that it will make it disapear, but no, it will not.
I'm not able to work properly, I'm not able to talk properly, I'm not able to function properly, I'm even sure that there are spellings, grammar and structure here that are all wrong.
People keep telling us that we're cowards. that we're nuisance. that we're pain in the ass. don't worry, we ourselves want to disapear.
i hope I can pray it to go away, and it will go away like that.
I'm tired. It's like I've been running all day, worse than those 42km without leaving my seat.
It's unfair that I've been running away and it's like a nightmare that I've never left where I was standing.
I wish with all these suffering and all these things, I can just take them all and end other's suffering as well.
I know it is not easy and I don't want everyone else to feel this way.
i wish I could l could go back to those days that I don't feel anything. I wish I can take the pain away, the suffering, the sadness, the sorrow and just feel nothing. Other say feeling nothing is worse than feeling pain, but I disagree.
That's why we wish it would just end. That's why we tried it right?
It's hard.
when you can't cry. why? Because you're at work. in front of your boss.
There are lots of employees around. DUH.
It's hard. when you want to cry but you can't. your bestfriend is miles, islands, hours, a plane (a bus, a taxi, an MRT) ride away, and your close friend already went home and you don't know whose shoulder you can cry to.
My shift already ended, I can't count how many tears I have to wipe, how many tissues I've used to wipe my tears.
For now, this is my cry.
It's not the end...
I hope though it will end soon.
Mine was my depression. And not only that, it comes with suicide attempt.
Don't do that again, why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you talked to us? Why didn't you this and that? Uhm. I tried. I tried hard. You know how hard it was thinking of it? No you don't. Because all you think is that you're a friend when in need and when at THAT moment that I was about to take my life, you were never there. Up to know I don't know why I really did it, but I want it to end.
I wish I had the mind of Brillante Mendoza so I can show artistically how my depression really look likes. I wish I have the money, the power, the creativity to show it to you how I am with my depression. I only have my words.
Everytime my friends knew about it, I don't know how to make them feel the pain, the sadness, the
with all the smile, the laughter that I show, no one knew how painful it was. I keep on posting on Facebook hints of my depression and sadness and I'm happy that there were some people reaching out, but I would like to stop being the negative suction in their life. I too, don't like those kind of people.
I envy those people who got professional help, I envy those people who were able to do it, I envy those people who got pass their depression and suicidal tendencies, I envy those people who look back on where they are right now and say that they got pass it, I envy those people who REALLY got help and was REALLY HELPED.
I hope I'm able to help myself from this misery and I hope it was easy, and I hope it was THAT EASY, but it isn't.
I envy Sabrina Benaim and turned her depression into poetry, into words, into pictures and made them into a living word that would at least, try to explain what depression is.
I envy those people who really understand those who has depression and not just shove it away like it was an easy Math Problem that can be solved just by calculator or simple arithmetic that can be solved by a Math whiz.
Envy. Confusion. Despair. Sorrow. Sloth. There are lots of them, and it was only me. I wish they were just robbers in the night that robbed me of what I have, but instead, they're like virus that kills me slowly, like a stage 4 cancer.
Cancer. I wish I could've just taken all the cancer in the world in that way, all those who were left were happy to be with their loved ones. I wish I could've taken everything so that those who wants to survive, survives.
Survival. I wish those innocent people who were innocently killed were just left and I wish, or rather, we wish it was us who were killed.
I wish depression is as easy as Grade 1 spelling that everyone would be able to spell out, or like cooking adobo that almost everyone could do. I wish depression is just like baking that you just mix and bake and when you take out of the oven, is something sumptous, and erradicate hunger.
I wish everything was THAT easy, however it isn't.
It wasn't easy to cry with every movie that you watch, trying to get all the inspiration even if it wasn't about you. I wish for every movie I cried, for every inspiring words, phrases, short snorts would aleviate the pain, but it didn't.
I wish everyday was okay, but it wasn't. I wish the Secret or the Law of Attraction was easier this time. I wish it was easier when I'm drowning in this... thing...
I wish I could shout it out in a mountain and it would go away, I wish I could drown it onto the sea and it would disapear in the waters, I wish I can just blow it in the wind and it would evaporate, I wish it was just a bubble that would pop suddenly. I wish it was just words that you type in a computer that you can easily delete or backspace and it would disappear instantly.
But it isn't.
I wish it's like dirty clothes that you can just leave at home and wash once you're back, I wish it's like dirty plate that you can put in a dishwasher, clean and wash and everything will be clean, like brand new, and useful, but no, it isn't.
I'm staring in front of the monitor, typing everything, pouring out my emotions to the keyboards into words, and I wish it was easy as it it is, that it will make it disapear, but no, it will not.
I'm not able to work properly, I'm not able to talk properly, I'm not able to function properly, I'm even sure that there are spellings, grammar and structure here that are all wrong.
People keep telling us that we're cowards. that we're nuisance. that we're pain in the ass. don't worry, we ourselves want to disapear.
i hope I can pray it to go away, and it will go away like that.
I'm tired. It's like I've been running all day, worse than those 42km without leaving my seat.
It's unfair that I've been running away and it's like a nightmare that I've never left where I was standing.
I wish with all these suffering and all these things, I can just take them all and end other's suffering as well.
I know it is not easy and I don't want everyone else to feel this way.
i wish I could l could go back to those days that I don't feel anything. I wish I can take the pain away, the suffering, the sadness, the sorrow and just feel nothing. Other say feeling nothing is worse than feeling pain, but I disagree.
That's why we wish it would just end. That's why we tried it right?
It's hard.
when you can't cry. why? Because you're at work. in front of your boss.
There are lots of employees around. DUH.
It's hard. when you want to cry but you can't. your bestfriend is miles, islands, hours, a plane (a bus, a taxi, an MRT) ride away, and your close friend already went home and you don't know whose shoulder you can cry to.
My shift already ended, I can't count how many tears I have to wipe, how many tissues I've used to wipe my tears.
For now, this is my cry.
It's not the end...
I hope though it will end soon.
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